More Than Words: Tomboys R Us
THIS whenever some girl brags about being “one of the boys” or says something like “I’m not like other girls, I LOVE [stereotypically masculine thing].”
Hmm, while in Finland I really do enjoy the freedom of writing whatever I want and wherever I want and feeling safe, simply because no one understands the language in which I capture my thoughts. It is truly weird to be sitting in school or on a bench in a park, in a café and writing about the most intimate delicate things, or even about the people around me.
Other than that, I guess I am kind of scared of someone opening my diary, and that’s why I always keep it in a safe place, mostly in my bag or somewhere where others simply wouldn’t reach it. On the other hand, I kind of would like someone I’d feel close to to read it (in my company though, not secretly), but I think it would make me strangely ashamed. Weirdly, I can see myself being ashamed mostly of the drawings I have there though, because since all the contributions I make to it are simply to serve myself and not anyone else, they are not anyhow ”impressive” (as in trying to impress someone), but often just plain or lazily done. I am not so scared of someone I’d trust reading most of the thoughts or feelings I describe there, but am scared simply of their reaction to the form (like sentence structure, badly drawn, etc.) they would have. I don’t know, it is hard to explain.
Besides, I am aiming to learn how to be more open and talkative about my thoughts and emotions, and I really am trying to be honest about them with everyone, hiding as little as necessary. So I could possibly see myself giving a permission to someone to peek inside a little, but would certainly feel super uncomfortable if someone random just came and opened it and went through the pages (like my mom now you mentioned it oh my god that would probably be fatal haha). Anyway, I think that most of people wouldn’t do that anyway since it’s super rude and really not cool. So just make sure you keep an eye on it in the presence of people who are super rude and/or really not cool and you should be fine!
And at last let me just mention that it is perfectly normal if you feel scared of such a thing happening, we all have our fragile places we wouldn’t like others to explore too much. And even though it scares you now, you might once find someone who you’ll trust enough to show them. And if you don’t feel like showing even them, it’s still perfectly normal!
have a lovely day and thanks for dropping this here :—)
hey thank you everyone for being there for me and helping me yesterday, i am still in absolute awe about the tremendous amout of support i got (even after i dozed off, so it might take some time ‘till i get through the messages and reply to everyone)
honestly, you have no idea how much it actually helped me to get to a better emotional place, i appreciate every single on of you so much.
i do agree with you. i mostly feel bad for the person i hurt back in slovakia to tell you the truth, at least i think so. i don’t even know what makes me feel worse at the moment, whether the fact that i wasn’t able to stop something i didn’t want to happen (i didn’t want it to happen purely because of my own feelings and decisions), or that i wasn’t able to stop something that i knew would bring pain to someone else. it’s strange because if the exact same thing would happen to someone else, i wouldn’t see it as their mistake at all, you know. i think that you should never put yourself on a place behind someone when it comes to these things, and just do whatever feels right instead. it’s necessary to say no if you mean it, and it is necessary to let people go if it doesn’t feel right to hold on to them anymore. if this would happen to someone else, i would not blame them for not being strong enough to maintain a relationship with someone over a distance of more than 1700km, and i would support them in whatever they did. if this happened to someone else, i would just want that person to be happy about their decisions.
but it happened to me, and suddenly it’s not so easy anymore.
hmm no, i don’t think i am. i just had some abusive experiences several years ago and i think that the guilt and fear might be some subconscious leftovers of that relationship, although i honestly feel that i came to terms with it and got over it long ago.
i do enjoy sexual activity if i really want it to happen, sometimes i just get confused about what i want, and it usually turns out to be too late to say no when i finally recollect myself
we were at his place and he was showing me his drawings and works and kissed me suddenly, and i wasn’t too happy about it but i thought that there isn’t really anything wrong about it since we went on a break with my boyfriend, and that i shouldn’t worry too much and just think of myself, too. and then suddenly he started to kiss me really passionately and started to undress me really fast i didn’t even realize it was happening and i just kept telling myself - say something, for god’s sake say something make him stop - but i couldn’t make anything come out of my mouth. i couldn’t even move i have no idea what happened to me. i felt very distant.
thank you, you are too kind
you know i just feel that i cause so much pain and confusion wherever i go that i deserve to feel even worse pain in return it’s really sick like i can literally feel how it doesn’t even make sense while i’m writing this but i cannot fight it. i am truly scared about how much i actually want to hurt myself somehow, i feel physically sick